A cool late night summer breeze is blowing through the open window.
The house is quiet aside from the sounds of the crickets chirping outside.
A single light is on…
And something deep inside of me finally feels safe enough to let me know it’s there. A truth that I’ve been avoiding. Running from.
It’s a feeling.
Something that I never noticed in the mayhem of the last month.
But it’s been there. Amidst the packing, house hunting and total disruption that has been my life as of late.
It’s been there.
And now on this beautiful and still summer night I finally know it’s presence.
I push it away.
That’s not something I want to deal with right now.
There’s no time for loneliness in my life. I’m way to busy. There’s the maintenance on the car that needs to be scheduled. Clients to manage. Campaigns to create. Data to be poured over to see if there’s a trend or idea that can be teased out of the chaos into the next big hit.
But the feeling is too strong.
It won’t go away.
It’s not going away.
And no matter what I do it just gets stronger.
Stronger than my schemes to distract myself from it.
And now there’s something else…
A heaviness. Something sucking the life out of me.
What is this?
I’m not sad.
I try to convince myself otherwise but it’s true.
It’s true and it hurts.
A pain that I try to stuff away. Shove deep down. Bury it in my toes. Smother it with denial.
But this sadness has it’s claws deep into me. Piercing my heart. Ripping it open to the hidden fears that I never knew could be a part of me.
Fears that were conceived a month ago when we broke up.
When we broke up…
We’re no longer together…
I’ve said it a hundred times already. Seen the disappointment on a hundred faces. And been given a hundred hugs.
But now – now I feel the emptiness of it.
The void in my life.
And in that void – in that chasm of darkness are my fears.
Fear that I’ll never meet someone else.
Fear that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
Fear that I’m not good enough to be loved by another person.
It’s just too much.
Too much for me to bear right now. I can’t deal with it.
But it’s not going away.
It won’t go away.
I’ve been hiding from it for too long already.
So what can I do?
How can I get rid of this sadness? How can I shake the fear and loneliness from my life?
How can I fix this?
How can I fix me?
There’s no way to shake it. Nowhere to run. Nothing to protect me from the truth of it all. No armor is strong enough to last against this assault.
So I do the only the that I can.
I do nothing.
I don’t run. I don’t hide from it. I don’t try and push it away.
I just sit with it.
It washes over me. Rips through me. And opens me up.
I taunts me. Mocks me. Chastises me.
And I sit.
And I sit.
It’s all there. The heartache. The fears. The pain. And the loneliness.
All of it.
All of me.
And it’s ok.
And I feel something.
Like a silent voice on the wind.
Letting me know that everything’s going to be alright.
That everything is exactly as it should be.
That I’ll learn from this.
I’ll become a better man because of it.
A better partner.
A better lover.
A better friend.
But for now though – on this beautiful quiet summer night – I sit.
The breeze coming in through the window. The crickets still chirping outside.
And me sitting with it all.
A message from Ian about this piece…
It’s been a year since I wrote this piece. A year since that night. And I’d like to say that the pain is gone but it’s not. I don’t know if it’ll ever be.
The pain is only there when I drop out of the present moment.
When I dwell on the past I feel the sadness and the loss of what we had.
When I think of the future there’s a part of me that fears not being able to share it with someone special.
But when I rest in the present moment – life, my life is beautiful.
Since the heartache a ton of crazy and amazing things have happened. Experiences that would have never happened if we were still together.
I’ve become a better man because of it. A better partner. A better lover. A better friend.
The heartache tore me apart and helped me to discover the real me.
So it may seem like a weird prescription to heal a broken heart – to sit with the pain, fear and sadness. But it was the only way (not an easy way) to truly heal my broken heart.
I hope this helps you.
Additional Resources to Help You Heal A Broken Heart